The other day I discovered this pretty Southern Magnolia— Hannah Barron, “The TikTok Tomboy.” In the video I linked, she showcases a construction site, name-drops Def Leppard, and advertises “We the People” brand holsters.
After watching, I had two thoughts:
“Hubba hubba.”
Had she been talking about Taylor Swift, $12 coffees, and The Real Housewives of [Wherever], I would not have found her attractive. She could have been just as gorgeous; it wouldn’t have mattered.
Purportedly red-pilled people sometimes claim that attraction is purely physical, and “inner beauty” is a Hallmark fantasy masking an ugly truth: looks are all that matter.
I dissent. Looks matter, but personality and interests are more important, even for the “Hi, what’s your name?” stage of attraction.
A while ago, I dated a girl whom I am going to call “Layla.” During our first conversation, she alluded to a Socratic dialogue. That flipped my attitude from “Nice meeting you” to “Who are you, and can I take you to dinner?” Had Layla mentioned that she had watched all 46 seasons of Survivor (which was true, I found out later), the initial attraction would have been dulled. Depending on how the rest of the conversation went, I may or may not have asked her out.
This phenomenon isn’t exclusive to me, or to devout Christians. In high school I knew a kid named Joe. Joe was a pig. He used women for sex (and ego trips) before discarding them. But once, in a moment of piercing profundity, he said: “That blonde girl is hot, but when she talks, all the hotness goes away.”
I knew the girl he was referring to. She was good-looking. She was also catty, small-minded, vain, and generally unpleasant, which sunk her allure— even for a dirtball like Joe.
We are attracted to people we admire. This is true for everyone, regardless of values. Each of us may admire different qualities, but the link between attraction and admiration holds for all. Conversely, when someone has a flaw we find repulsive, attraction is quashed.
Don’t buy it? Consider your past (or present) romances. I’ll bet that the people you wanted to be with were people you admired.
The traits we’re attracted to can teach us about ourselves. They provide a test for the authenticity of our values. We may claim to admire humility, but if we don’t find it attractive, that admiration is weak. More than likely, we see humility as a quality we are supposed to admire, but really don’t.
Since our romantic preferences offer insight into who we are, I’ve decided to do a self-examination. To be clear, this is not an exhaustive list of Stan’s digs. I didn’t write about Catholicity, which is the biggest one. I also left off non-conformism, serenity, and correct use of the word “literally.” What follows are just a handful of qualities I find enticing, culled from the two ladies I mentioned above— Layla and the TikTok Tomboy.
Intellect: I’m a curious guy. Layla’s Socrates reference was like a flashing neon sign that read, “FELLOW NERD.” She wasn’t self-conscious about making that allusion either. That impressed me. I get squirmy about appearing pretentious, so I frequently forgo highfalutin references. (I also diminish my vocabulary, and do everything I can to evade the question: “Where did you go to college?”) Layla didn’t share my insecurity, and I liked that about her.
(There are two categories of qualities I really admire. 1. Virtues I possess, which I worked hard to cultivate. (Learning, in this case). 2. Virtues I don’t have, but wish I did, (like security about learning). Not sure if these categories are peculiar to me, or if other people feel the same way…?)
Kindness: You may not have caught this the first time, but if you watch the TikTok Tomboy’s video again, you’ll notice her kindness. She’s smiling, jocular, refers to her family as “Daddy and Paw,” thanks her audience, and comes across as sweeter’n a sip o’ sweet tea.1
Regionalism:2 I’m a sucker for accents. Is that weird? Maybe. But the Tomboy’s twang tickled my ears. It’s not just the accent though: blue-collar work, down-home values, familiarity with gun culture, and, as I learned from other videos, a penchant for noodling catfish. That’s all very attractive. Regional identification makes a person distinctive.3 Most of my friends are oddballs, and they consistently surprise me, offer eccentric perspectives, and in various ways, help me grow. For the same reasons, distinctive ladies are appealing.
Grit: A girl who can run a circ-saw, fire a .22, and stick her hand in a catfish is tough. I like that. Especially when it’s toughness not for its own sake, but in pursuit of an excellence: a sturdy house, a fresh dinner, or whatever. It also shows where her focus lies: outside herself. Grit means being more passionate about a pursuit than about comfort— how could anyone fail to admire that?
I could keep going, but instead I’d like to ask you: What qualities do you find attractive? Why? If you’re not sure, reflect on it. You’ll learn about yourself, and what you learn might surprise you.
Southerners talk like that, right?
This is a plus, not a must. I would and have happily dated women without a strong regional affect.
The exception would be women who are strongly New York/New Jersey. That’s a distinct region, but it’s one that I know well and don’t have much to learn from… I may also have lingering PTSD from youthful trysts with Jersey girls, some of whom made Squeaky Fromme seem sweet.